For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for payments.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?", she asked him.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move", answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!!", the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went ’Pssst!’ and it didn’t move"
* * * * *
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chcken Little warns the farmer. She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said ’The sky is falling!’" The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said. "I think he said:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can’t stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog’s/cat’s behind.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:
1. The pets live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That’s why it’s called "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t
speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
- they don’t ask for money all the time
- they are easier to train
- they usually come when called
- they don’t hang out with drug-using friends
- they don’t need a gazillion rands for a varsity education, and
- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :)
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